40 at 40 - I promise this is my last blog with a 40 in it for a long time

I realized one of the advantages of getting older. Sunday I went to Ashland, KY and Huntington, WV and hit the Malls --- it was walking, shopping for new summer items and a way to stay cool inside. I bought two pairs of shorts and two T-Shirts, different stores so different sizes. I also tried on some Suit Jackets and am a 46L or 44L (snug).

At Old Navy I got a XL short and 2XL T-shirt and at Kohl's I got a XL T-shirt and a size 40 Short (one of those plaid ones everyone is wearing this summer). It was my first size 40 pants that I can wear (ok for a 40 it fits better then my 42s and well I have not washed it yet either), still I got into and could wear safely a size 40, which is incredible.

It did not hit me until today that for the first time in my life, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, needed to say it twice --- I am wearing a waist size no bigger then my age. Soon I will be, and the rest of my life be , wearing waist sizes smaller then my age. Even at my lowest adult weight of my 220s twelve years ago I never got close to that accomplishment, getting down to a size 36 but at the age of 28.

40 Days Later

Well as readers know, I am no where close to my goal , at 255 now and expected to be under 240--- in large part due to the auto accident. My long time plans with my good friend Dan to celebrate our 40th birthday this weekend (his was earlier this month) fell through as he got sick and sounded terrible when we spoke --- hoping he fells better by Friday when we may do something not so big. I also thought that since my friends Marc and Jeff also had birthdays this week our friend Rick would have us over for the evening to celebrate, that fell through as well. I did have a birthday weekend lunch with my mom and one of my sisters and went with my Mom after to see the local production of Guys and Dolls. I got cards, phone calls, emails, Facebook and other online wishes-- so I was not totally ignored and I really appreciated it.

But I have to confess I was more depressed this weekend then I expected. I think it had to do with the Birthday combination with Father's Day. My dad has been gone the last 10 Fathers Days and it was not sadness so much that he was not around, but more that I have not been a success in family matters myself. In grade school as a chubby kid, I planned to get fit enough to find love in High School and marry right afters and be a Dad by 18, then if I got fat again so what, Dads can be fat and still loved I thought back then.

But the fat stayed on me in High School and grew and the girls kept me in the Friend zone only. College was the same. I got a few dates but nothing really, I think I was a free meal and movie until something better came along.

Twelve years ago I lost the weight it a big way, getting to my lowest adult weight in the 220s. I was exercising insane amounts of time and on a very low fat diet. My transformation happened while I was at a job I loved and where I had great friends, but I wanted more so I decided to return to school.

Around this time my dad got sick and then died. This made me really feel I needed to find a wife and start a family. I moved hours north and met my wife. She was not what I expected but she accepted me at first. In many ways she was beyond expectations, but she was a horrible mistake and now I am grateful two years after we married she left me. But at the time and for years after it was devastating. Two relationships since could have ended in marriage, but the trauma of the divorce kept me from pursuing the two women that really would have not been great matches, even if they were great people.

At 40 it does make me sad to be alone. I read in my sparkfriend Bill's blog where his wife rubbed a massager on his legs after mowing and exercise, it made me wish someone was here to rub my sore neck as I recover from the whiplash from my auto accident. But maybe that is selfishness on my part.

I guess it is really turning 40, Fathers Day and my digestion of this accidents together that got me down this weekend. But I am not going to live in pitty. Love really is not that much about what happens or who cares for you, its a giving thing. All in my control is who I love. I am going to share my love with others and let that be my source of joy.

I don't really get depressed about this much anymore, but this weekend I let it happen. I came to my realization before, but they kind of faded this weekend. Life and weight loss are both about making the best of what you got by giving all you can, don't let yourself worry about what you are not getting from things out of your power.

So I am not under 240 liked I hoped. Things out of my power happened and I have been responsible with allowing myself to heal. I am still healing, but I am going to start doing more as permitted and I will get where I get, in the time in which it takes me to get there. And not much longer (no giving people or myself a pass to slack in this post!).

176.2 pounds!! Woo Hoo!!!

Yesterday I was at my lowest weight in a decade, 256.2 pounds. This morning I moved my scale from the kitchen floor in front of my water heater closet into the carpet area adjacent in my living room. My landlord is checking all water heaters today in my apartment complex and determining if any need replaced so it had to be done.

Well for the fun of it I decided to see how much I weigh with carpet under my scale, amazingly it read 176.2 pounds (my IBW is 174, but goal weight has been 210). A dozen years ago I got to my lowest adult weight in the 220s. The last time I was 176 was grade school. But just seeing that number on a scale I stood upon had an effect on me.

Right now for me it is a given that I will end this year at my lowest adult weight ever. I am certain of this today. In my 250s I know I am still overfat and overweight by all health standards, but I am now within striking distance of normal healthy size and 40 pounds in the next 6 months is a challenge I can meet.

Getting to 215 or so would be awesome, but today for the first time I am thinking maybe 190 should be my goal, living in Onderland the rest of my life instead of being content floating between 210-240, which I have been shooting for as what I thought would be good enough.

I know its still too early to see how practical or possible this may be, but it is nice for the first time to be able to just imagine it. And then imagining myself a healthy 90 year old man stepping on that scale and expecting to and getting a reading of 176, awesome.

No Exercise, No Appetite

I had my first session of Physical Therapy out of the pool this morning at 7:00 am and as easy as it seemed at the time, my body is feeling just sore a few hours later. We used bands, but no weights, but eventually we will add weights. I feel like I am losing muscle tone (even if what I had was hidden under fat), I am certainly not losing inches right now. When you exercise 10-15 hours a week and then stop all of the sudden due to your body being tramatized, you actually start to lose your appetite (a new experience for me). I think the result on the scale this week is going to be close to a 5 pound loss, I do my officially weekly weigh in Wednesday. But I lost a little muscle, I wasn't eating as much (when my body needs healthy calories to heal properly), and I think much of the inflamation and swelling from the accident decreased this week ---- so the loss is really nothing to celebrate.

In the past my mind has not been willing to do what my body was able, for the first time my body is not able to do what my mind is willing. I am eager to lose the rest of this excess fat on my body, but I am learning to be patient. I remember the big picture goal is to live as healthy and fit a life I can, this is a bump and to reach that ultimate goal I have to scale back exercise for now and eat sufficent healthy healing foods. But it sure sucks.

Sometimes Life Says No

Memorial Day I went down to visit some friends in South Williamson, Kentucky. Early afternoon the following day I was returning home traveling through West Virginia. It had been raining and the road was wet. A driver of another vehicle appeared to hydroplane and was spinning and bounced off the guardrail into my vehicle. I had on my seat-belt and the air bags went off. The collision was primarily head on on my passenger side and thankfully I was alone. Still I was jolted pretty bad. I noticed fire coming from underneath my hood, the adrenaline races through and I was able to get out of the car and moved over to sit on the guardrail. The passenger of the other vehicle got out the same time I did. Others stopped and eventually put out the fire and the driver of the other vehicle, who was disabled and needed his wheelchair, was eventually removed from his car. All three of us went to the ER (my first time in an ambulance), I got scanned and x-rayed. I have several sprained vertebrates and whiplash and had some ugly bruises and swelling, plus a few other things.

The ER released me to my sister and gave me a prescription for hydrocodine. I met with my regular doctor for follow-up and he gave me some muscle relaxers and put me in physical therapy to help heal up. I go back to see him again Tuesday. I have completed a week of therapy in the heated pool and will do one more before getting land therapy for a few weeks. I am good for short periods, but ache still and after driving or even going to the grocery store I feel very sore. I have a new appreciation for neck and back muscles, now that they are not working proper.

Exercise as I knew it is out of the question for awhile. Reaching my 40th birthday goal is not going to happen. My new goal is to maintain during the PT period and to work in a safe way to get back to my normal exercise level. After two weeks off, I have returned to work. It is not a physical job, but concentration is more difficult with pain.

The driver of the other vehicle and his passenger went to the ER after the accident and returned home that night, he passed away the following day. I am not sure if it was a heart attack, but it is not being regarded as being caused by the accident from what I understand. He was a very large man.

I wonder if I would still be alive if I had been hit similarly 2 years ago. If I had survived how would I handle my recovery with another 100 plus pounds to carry around. I am grateful that this did not happen to me then, but still somewhat depressed at how it is affecting my life and goals now. I am going to try to learn from this and not let this be an excuse for another failure in fitness for me. Thanks to all the supportive comments I have received.

40 until 40

I turn 40 years old in forty days (June 22). I have had a goal for awhile to be under 240 by my 40th. Today I weighed in at 268.2 pounds, the lowest weight in over 10 years I have seen on the scales but further away from my goal then I hoped by now. Can I lose 28.4 pounds in 40 days at my current size. I am going to try and that means kicking it up and having no excuses.

Watch me close this summer, I am going reach my goal!!

Uncommitted

Nearly two months ago I went to the Arnold Classic and I was 276 and trekking downwards. I have since gone on vacation and seen other friends at special events. Today, May 1, I weighed in at 270 (up from 269.4 from 9 days earlier, but down from 272 from 2 days ago). I am worried I am losing focus. I have brought butter back into my home and consumed it quickly, along with pizza and even ice cream. I want a life with these things, but I am still a severely obese guy and my exercise is not off setting the extra calories I am consuming since my trip. I have gotten out of balance with it and I am not ready to eat those things safely, even after my success so far.

Tuesday-Saturday I have a work trip to attend, my next weigh in day will be the Wednesday after (May 13). I have decided to kick start things again, before I regain significant weight, with a new 16 week challenge (takes me into September). Summer is usually not a great time for me to lose weight, fall and winter are better, but this summer its going to change. I am trying to average a lose of 2.5 pounds per week. Assuming I start at 265 on May 13, I could be down to 225 by September. I was last that weight my freshman year of high school. Getting to my lowest adult weight is huge and I know it will be hard, but while I am proud of my accomplishments so far, its just not good enough for me. I deserve to be healthier then this and I will be.

Part of my problem is my success, everyone notices the loss and brags. On my vacation I had energy and did not tire, compared to the old me I am Superman. I can often find folks places I go fatter then me now, even at the gym. So I have this tendency to let up some and take it easy, enjoy my new self a bit too much.

Also this week more uncertainty entered my life. My sister who turns 46 in July and who lost a child already is pregnant, which worries me for the safety of her and the child. And two of the administrators of the grant that funds my jobs where given pink slips from the state and we will stop getting state money come July, so the status of my employment is in question. I still have hope local funds, plus the expected retirement of the other person in my program, will keep me employed, but with double the case load.

These are ugly times and it looks like it may be a couple of years before it gets much better, all the more reason to be healthier. Survival of the fittest, right?